I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I understand Curling. That high.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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