i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
