So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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