i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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