Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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