You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
