I'm going to rape someone's good day.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
