You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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