I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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