Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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