I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
