I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
