you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
