Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
