she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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