no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize