I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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