Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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