Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
