That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
