I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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