Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
