omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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