i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize