Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
