Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
