i wish peter jackson would direct porn
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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