Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
