Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
