if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
