He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
