And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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