I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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