Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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