I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
