saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
