So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
