Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
