I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We got so high we made milksteak
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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