Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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