i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize