We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I think i got beer on your cat.
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