U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
