I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
