They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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