we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
