Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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