I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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