sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
