I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
