she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
