I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
