I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
