There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
