Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
