Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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