worst night to have a conscience
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
