when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize