if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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