The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
