come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
