drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
